Redneck Reunion II

While tiding up some of the random blog-post miscellanea that clogs the arteries of my lowly PC, I came across the following quotes. I thought, perhaps, it best to simply delete them, but as they still brought a smile to my face, decided instead to again remind the world of my proletariat lineage. The quotes were originally intended to accompany the post My Redneck Reunion, as they were overheard at that particular gathering, but somehow escaped. Again, the following quotes were actually uttered by members of my extended family—both to my curiosity and chagrin.

••Random uncle to teenage daughter: “So you’re staying in a tent?”

Teenage daughter to Random Uncle: “Trenched it myself!”

•”Hey, come look-a-these horns!”

•”Just like riding a chain-saw.” (This still perplexes and worries me).

•Grandkid to Grandma: “Look what we found.”

Grandma to grandkid: “Well isn’t that nice dear.”

Grandkid to Grandpa: “What’s it called again?”

Grandpa to grandkid: “A pelvis.”

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A Librarian Once Stole my Wallet

A librarian once stole my wallet.* And, no, this is not the beginning of a dirty joke. Rather, it was the beginning of one of the most perfectly bad days I have heretofore known.

It all began with a list:

1. Go to the library.

I have a terrible habit of being very interested in a news article but checking my desire to clip it on grounds of clutter and age-appropriateness. Then, sometimes years later, I allow some forgotten particular from the article to torment me. Fully unable to quash my own curiosity, I eventually wind up at the county library, scrolling through roll after roll of microfilm (you know, like they used to do in old detective movies). Anyway, I was spinning my eyes (I guarantee that 92% of you still have no idea what I’m on about), when I realize that I, only moments before, had left my wallet on top of the microfilm cabinet. En route to the microfilm archive (which was only some steps behind me), I encounter a librarian. He has my wallet in his hand. I politely claim it with some embarrassment, and he happily returns it. It never even crosses my mind to double-check its contents or to take note of the librarian in question.

2. Buy flowers.

Not calling a girl that you verbally assured you would is bad form at best. Not calling a girl that you genuinely care for following an enjoyable time spent together is both completely irrational and infinitely worse. It will require penance—perhaps flowers. Not calling a girl that you genuinely care for following an enjoyable time spent together, only to find that she recently died in a tragic car accident, is indescribably heart wrenching. It also requires flowers.

****

I’m at the flower shop now. I’m in a somber mood and smile half-heartedly through my order. It’s pleasant to watch the florist piece together my simple arrangement of roses. I thank her and reach for my wallet.

“Son of a bitch librarian,” I whisper under my breath.

“Pardon me,” the florist inquires?

“Oh nothing,” I reply, “Do you take credit card?”

The shop does, and I lick my wounded pride as the computer rejects my first card. The second card is accepted to my astonishment. I walk to my car desperately trying to remember just how much cash I had lost. I think of returning to the library and making a scene, but sadly have a prior engagement.

3. Drive to the Valley Graveyard to say a goodbye.

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*There is, of course, a strong possibility that someone got to the wallet before the librarian.  This post was not intended to tarnish the otherwise good reputations of librarians domestic or foreign.

BBC Poll Names the “Greatest British Band”

I know that this will come across as nothing short of an act of musical blasphemy for many, but I just don’t care all that much for the Beatles. Don’t get me wrong, I pay all due respect to the group (and their crack team of marketeers) for their many accomplishments; I just don’t foresee the day that I will own an album from the world’s first boy band.

And so I was pleasantly surprised to find that a recent poll conducted by BBC 2 crowned Queen the winner of the “Great British Battle of the Bands.” Sadly, I feel compelled to question the legitimacy of the poll. Firstly, it appears that only five bands were included in the poll: The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Queen, Take That, and Oasis. Secondly, Take That? Thirdly, Oasis???

In other news, everyone already knows that The Clash is the greatest British Band of all time.

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New Year’s Resolutions Mixtape

(Music that I will be exercising to in ‘08)

In step with many of my fellow Americans, I will be attempting to exercise more this coming year. I’ve put together the following mixtape in order to aid me in this all-too-familiar endeavor. As I’m sure you’ll dually note, I am particularly motivated by three musical archetypes: The upbeat punk number, the break-up song, and the depressing-ass reminder of the one that got away (a close relative to the break-up song). Strange how just one girl can go and turn a great number of once beloved songs into sad reminders of what could have been. I guess that this is my way of reclaiming some of them. In total, the workout comes to just under an hour.

Warm-up: Coast to Coast (Elliott Smith)

Light stretching/calisthenics:
•Saturday (Built to Spill)
•In the Aeroplane Over the Sea (Neutral Milk Hotel)
•Here [alternate mix] (Pavement)

Jogging:
•London Calling (The Clash)
•The KKK Took My Baby Away (Ramones)
•SOS (The Bangs)
•The Longest Time (Me First and the Gimme Gimmes)
•Rainfall (The Apples in Stereo)
•Our Retired Explorer (The Weakerthans)
•Quantum Physics (The Onion Flavored Rings)
•Live the Chaos pt. II (The Onion Flavored Rings)
•Koka Kola (The Clash)
•Middle (Rocket From The Crypt)
•Born in ‘69 (Rocket From The Crypt)
•Crackity Jones (The Pixies)
•Incoporeal (Tiger Army)

Cool-down/Stretching:
•Happy (Mazzy Star)
•No Surprises (Radiohead)
•Stay Gold (The Apples in Stereo)
•Maps (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)

Best wishes for you and yours in the coming year,

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Christmas Albums for the Ages

(Albums that I will be spinning this Christmas)

1. It’s Christmas Charlie Brown (The Vince Guarldi Trio)
2. A Christmas Together (John Denver and the Muppets)
3. Cowboy’s Christmas (Gene Autry)
4. Christmas With Louis Armstrong, Lena Horne, & Nat King Cole
5. A Fresh Aire Christmas (Mannheim Steamroller)
6. Christmas Feelings (Frank Sinatra and Friends)
7. Joy: A Holiday Collection (Jewel)
8. Billboard Presents: Family Christmas Classics (Various Artists)
9. Christmas With Rosemary Clooney (Rosemary Clooney)
10. Wintersong (Sarah McLachlan)

Merry Christmas All,

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Christmas Music Confession

I once slowed down a recording of Alvin and the Chipmunk’s “The Chipmunk Song,” just to hear what the elderly barbershop quartet behind them actually sounded like.

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Live CD Linux Distros Save the World

If given enough leeway, a computer will eventually attempt to take over the world. This is a simple fact of life that all computer owners will someday prove with their own sad experiences. Now although there do exist a small number of exceptionally ambitious computers that attempt such stunts as the overriding of missile guidance systems, the majority of our silicon cohorts understand the prudence of a simpler, more reliable strategy. Yes, it has been the shared goal of evil computers everywhere to slowly drive humanity mad one user at a time.

I recall a good friend of mine, who was brought to the edge of insanity some years ago by a computer that strategically destroyed his term paper the night before its deadline. His dear wife had to physically pull him from the window as he attempted to send his PC to a gravity induced martyrdom.

More recently, I’m ashamed to admit that I , myself, was nearly drawn into a deep state of blue-screen-of-death madness. Adhering to their collective evil scheme, my computer strategically researched and attacked my greatest vulnerability. I, a passionate audio archivist—one that rarely leaves a file in less than three physical locations—feared an untracked Built to Spill concert forever lost to a nasty hard drive failure.

Little did my computer know, however, that I had a secret weapon: the venerable Linux Live CD. Not only a powerful diagnostic tool (I was quickly able to recover my precious concert), the Live CD also proved itself a mighty weapon of psychological warfare. There is simply nothing more calming than seeing an otherwise crippled system light up in grand Linux fashion. My frustrations melted away with the splash screen. The Blue Screen of Death had not chalked up another victim.

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Post Script: For those interested, the live CD I used was Dyne:bolic of all things—an audio distro.

Dear Diary

Encountered the most pleasant smell tonight whilst returning from the university. Smelled of barbecued perfume. I imagine that the bouquet was purely a hippie-related occurrence, but I can’t help but wonder whether George Foreman has entered the fragrances market. If the latter holds true, I may have to invest in it.

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The Best Portable Recording Solution

(According to me)I finally caved. After years of threatening to install a tape deck in my car, I broke my bank and bought an mp3 player. The journey began the fateful day my beloved MZ-R700 minidisc player fell from off top a rather tall refrigerator (long story).

Suffice it to say that I was in the market for something with advanced recording capabilities, extreme “portability,” (I do enjoy an occasional live recording) and a reasonable price tag. The contenders (after countless hours of internet research): a Hi-MD player, a Nomad Jukebox 3, an iriver H120, or a used 5th generation ipod equipped with a third party mic input.

The Verdict (in acts):

Act 1: Upon the Siren Lorelei’s misfortunate fall from the Kuhlschrank precipice, our hero finds himself instantly disenchanted with her lot, and so sets about to find a new love.

Act 2: Our hero finds himself torn between a buxom concert cellist and a lovely street musician with a lisp.

Act 3: Our hero falls hopelessly in love with the street musician notwithstanding her perceived shortcomings.

Act 4: The sweet street musician’s lisp is cured in a true act of providence, making her hopelessly irresistible. She and our hero live happily ever after.

Translation:

My list, due to a lack of funds, was instantly narrowed down to three choices: a new, used minidisk player, a Nomad Jukebox 3, or an iriver H120. The ipod was just not feasible, although I hear that some folks are getting good results with them.

Firstly, I’m altogether through with Sony (the siren). The company’s systematic withholding of features (they’re only now making it possible to digitally transfer old minidisc’s to the computer), is maddening at best. It is a true shame that the individual responsible for their marketing plan has been so short-sighted. They should have been the ipod.

Tapers really seem to dig the on the old Nomad Jukebox 3 (the cellist) for its reliability and sound quality. Coupled with a nice preamp, it’s apparently amazing. It just happens to be rather bulky. Form factor is an important issue for me, and so this became my second choice.

I was instantly intrigued with the iriver. It fit all of my criteria. There were, however, these narsty reports of a recording glitch. The original firmware apparently dropped samples very regularly. I researched this to death and finally decided to just go with the Nomad…until I found Rockbox. Rockbox is an open-source, third-party firmware project that specializes in replacing the crap firmware on otherwise sweet audio players. They fixed the h120 glitch, instantly winning my complete devotion to their cause.

A to-good-to-be-true $100 ebay purchase later, I am the proud new owner of a iriver h120.

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An Analog Boy in a Digital World

I studied electronics for a time; although, I never did have the mental fortitude for the undertaking. A sad lacking in my math department ultimately brought down my aspirations. You see, all the mathematical theories that you were quite sure you’d never really need—you apparently need for electronics (yes, Virginia, there really are imaginary numbers).

****

With reverenced tale of Steve Jobs, my electronics instructor suggested on the first day of class that we all plan big and brainstorm names for our future Fortune 500 companies. After some contemplation, I hesitantly scratched out Analog Technologies on the blank slip before me, then folded it in half and slid it onto my instructor’ desk. Deep within me, I new that what I had just done was now irreversible. I was soon to become the geek amongst geeks–one cast out by his own.

Although my instructor was kind enough to indulge me in occasional tube-amp schematic analysis, I always knew that I was his lost cause. The only student in class to nod off during computer-spec-talk, I awoke, wide-eyed, at the mention of a vacuum tube. I was a true disgrace to all progress.

I really struggled with that class, but left it with a feeling of some accomplishment. I was the only student to build their final project entirely from scratch after all. I took the time to understand and admire simplicity before diving into complexity.

****

Anyway, tonight, Wired Science is broadcasting a bit on the Audio Analog/Digital divide. It looks to be very interesting; although, I think I foresee a sad ending for my analogous waveforms. Be sure to check it out on your local PBS affiliate or at their website: http://www.pbs.org/kcet/wiredscience/.

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